I Don't Have To Be Like Everyone Else

"Remind yourself that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing." - @keemanxp

I saw this tweet back in September and thought it was real relevant to myself at that time. Well, scratch that. It is relevant to me even now.

I am always battling against the urge to achieve what everyone else has achieved. I'm battling against these unhealthy thoughts that I need to be at the similar stage as my peers - those who have found employment, and those who are now pursuing postgraduate studies. I look at myself (almost every time) and see how much I'm falling behind. I'm not permanently employed. I'm not sitting in an organization in my fancy office attire earning few thousands a month. I'm not pursuing postgraduate (yet) so I can graduate with a higher qualification.

Often, I ask myself: What in the world am I doing?

People might tell me I'm doing fine. My parents tell me I'm too young to worried about being unemployed. Some might tell me I'm overthinking it. Heck, even sometimes I tell myself I'm overthinking this. Then, why do all my thoughts come back to this: Why am I falling behind?

The need to achieve and be at the same place at your peers - does this count as kiasuism (rough def.: afraid to lose)? Maybe it is. Maybe all these time what drives me as a person is the constant need to be better than others... to at least be on the same page as everyone else.

Social media is a wonderful and terrifying thing at the same time. Seeing friends celebrating employment. Seeing friends pursuing further studies. Seeing friends making a difference in the world. Seeing friends happy for what they have achieved. The magnitude of social comparison is increasing and it's killing each of part my self-worth.

You know, the funny thing is, I am aware of what is killing me. I am aware that because I am comparing myself to others who are not me, and never going to be me. I am comparing myself to the ideal 'me' that I set for myself. I am comparing myself to the faces and words of the social media when I know not everything posted there is the whole truth of a story. I know that in order to get out of this battle is constantly remind myself that I don't have to be like everyone else to achieve success or happiness.

Everything has its own pace. Perhaps, the time I'm taking off right now is the time for me to reflect on what I really want, and who I want to be. Looking at the bright side, I'm learning calligraphy during my time off. I'm reading so many books till I'm breaking my target in Goodreads. I'm going to travel and explore another culture. Although I'm working a temporary position, at least, I'm learning every week how to deal with kids and adults. At least, I'm not rotting at home.

I wish I can say that I am happy at the moment. Maybe I won't be until I found a greater purpose? I'm not sure really. Maybe I won't be until I can totally be happy with who I am and what I can do. Maybe I should stop worrying or fearing things. Maybe I am wasting time, but if I force myself to do things, will I truly be happy?

In an alternative dimension, I may be working 9 to 5 in an air-conditioned office with my black heels. I might look at social media and think, "Oh, I wish I have the time to learn calligraphy", "I want to read novels so badly", "I wish I had taken things slower". Maybe that's what I will think because humans are never satisfied with what they have, eh?

I guess I will never have a solution to my worries and thoughts. I'm at a stage whereby I'm not sure what I really want. Not sure if my whole life was planned based on expectations of others or for my own goals.

I live a terribly ironic and confusing life.

Seriously, I will have to tattoo "I don't have to be like everyone else" in my brain to stop myself from succumbing into social comparison and destroying my self worth.

I hope and pray that I will come out of this phase stronger that I am today.