Wallflower

Indecisive.
Lazy.
Coward.
Yup, these are the negative adjectives that describes me well.

Coward. I wonder why am I always afraid? I guess it's human nature to be afraid of the unknown, but I have been afraid for so many times until the fact that I believe that it has become an unhealthy habit. I am never the one who takes the initiative to do things. The way we are raised prohibits us from voicing out. But some people are different. They managed to breakthrough that wall and not be a coward.
I guess I have always been living in the shadows. I am always satisfied with something small... always thinking that I only deserve that much. Yup, self-sabotaging, in a way. When I was given the opportunity to have a gold medal, I turn it down and accept the silver or the bronze. But it's really rare. You know, to be given a gold medal. But, I was satisfied with whatever I had. As long as I have fun, that is all that matters. As long as I feel important somehow, I am alright.
In high school, I felt exactly that. I felt important. I felt as if I rule half of the school. Together with my friends, we somewhat own the school. The feeling of being needed. The feeling of accomplishing something. The feeling of running up and down the school. Those feelings are gold.

But right now, it's different. I don't have those friends with me anymore. I am no longer participating in student body activities. I no longer feel important. Maybe it's because of years of having that feeling. Now that I don't have it, it felt empty somehow. You might question to why didn't I participate now, instead sitting here and typing out these feelings I have been bottled up for months. Well, it's not that simple anymore. There is a group of people who are in the position I am seeking for. There are a group, and it seemed rather impossible for me to just jump into that boat. I am not that brave to do that. I fear of being rejected.
However, it has just been one semester. 7 weeks. I should treat that semester as a semester for me to find my own boat first and to familiarize myself with the rest of ocean. Yeah. I should think about it that way. And as for the next semester, I should make a difference. I am supposed to enjoy university life right?