I lost a friend.

I decide to blog again.

I think 'typing' out my feelings is going to work for me. I used to write, as in pick up a pen and write on a paper but that doesn't last very long... because I am so lazy to write. (Also, I get frustrated when my handwriting doesn't turn out good.)

Today, I lost a friend. We weren't close but we knew each other for quite some time. She attended by 10th birthday party and I attended hers. I was the only Chinese in her party and back then, I was reluctant to attend. I dressed up nicely and got her gift wrapped up. Then, I thought that I wasn't close to her and would it be awkward to be there? My parents even got mad at me for going back and forth. In the end, I went anyway and I had fun.

When I was in primary school I was a naughty girl. One day she brought her Barbie dolls to school and we played together - plus a lot of people, of course. One of her dolls' accessories, or to be more specific, doll's shoes were with me. I am pretty sure I took it on purpose. When I got home I felt bad and the next day I gave it back to her saying that I found it in the trash. Stupid me.

Another day of rebellious primary school kid came. I was running around the classroom with a few of my friends and I accidentally knocked onto her (when she was holding her art project: painted egg shells). I broke a her beautifully painted eggshells and the teacher was pretty mad at me. I couldn't remember if I apologized but I wish I could apologize for it again.

Whatever I did to her haunts me till today. I couldn't apologized to her and I never had a decent conversation with her. We only said Hi's, Bye's and talked about school stuff but never those conversation that we sat together and talk.

When I found out today that you are gone, I could not believe it. I didn't feel sad but instead shock. I really couldn't believe you are gone. Many of my friends contacted me and told me about it. I also contacted my friends about it. I didn't attend her funeral because it was too sudden and I didn't know where it was. Plus, the funeral was a quick one and my silly brain thought that I wouldn't make it in time (even if I did, it will only be a few minutes left). Now that I think about it, even if it's for a few minutes it's worth it.

I felt so bad not being able to see you for the very last time even though we knew each other for so long. I couldn't be there to see you off. I couldn't apologize to you (even if you had totally forgotten about it).

I bet this is the time you really want a time machine and turn back time. Maybe I could have been in your funeral. Maybe I could have visited you in the hospital. Maybe I could have save your egg shells. Maybe I could have not take your doll's shoes. Maybe I could have a closer friend to you.

I am so sorry and really, may you rest in peace.