I Don't Have To Be Like Everyone Else

"Remind yourself that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing." - @keemanxp

I saw this tweet back in September and thought it was real relevant to myself at that time. Well, scratch that. It is relevant to me even now.

I am always battling against the urge to achieve what everyone else has achieved. I'm battling against these unhealthy thoughts that I need to be at the similar stage as my peers - those who have found employment, and those who are now pursuing postgraduate studies. I look at myself (almost every time) and see how much I'm falling behind. I'm not permanently employed. I'm not sitting in an organization in my fancy office attire earning few thousands a month. I'm not pursuing postgraduate (yet) so I can graduate with a higher qualification.

Often, I ask myself: What in the world am I doing?

People might tell me I'm doing fine. My parents tell me I'm too young to worried about being unemployed. Some might tell me I'm overthinking it. Heck, even sometimes I tell myself I'm overthinking this. Then, why do all my thoughts come back to this: Why am I falling behind?

The need to achieve and be at the same place at your peers - does this count as kiasuism (rough def.: afraid to lose)? Maybe it is. Maybe all these time what drives me as a person is the constant need to be better than others... to at least be on the same page as everyone else.

Social media is a wonderful and terrifying thing at the same time. Seeing friends celebrating employment. Seeing friends pursuing further studies. Seeing friends making a difference in the world. Seeing friends happy for what they have achieved. The magnitude of social comparison is increasing and it's killing each of part my self-worth.

You know, the funny thing is, I am aware of what is killing me. I am aware that because I am comparing myself to others who are not me, and never going to be me. I am comparing myself to the ideal 'me' that I set for myself. I am comparing myself to the faces and words of the social media when I know not everything posted there is the whole truth of a story. I know that in order to get out of this battle is constantly remind myself that I don't have to be like everyone else to achieve success or happiness.

Everything has its own pace. Perhaps, the time I'm taking off right now is the time for me to reflect on what I really want, and who I want to be. Looking at the bright side, I'm learning calligraphy during my time off. I'm reading so many books till I'm breaking my target in Goodreads. I'm going to travel and explore another culture. Although I'm working a temporary position, at least, I'm learning every week how to deal with kids and adults. At least, I'm not rotting at home.

I wish I can say that I am happy at the moment. Maybe I won't be until I found a greater purpose? I'm not sure really. Maybe I won't be until I can totally be happy with who I am and what I can do. Maybe I should stop worrying or fearing things. Maybe I am wasting time, but if I force myself to do things, will I truly be happy?

In an alternative dimension, I may be working 9 to 5 in an air-conditioned office with my black heels. I might look at social media and think, "Oh, I wish I have the time to learn calligraphy", "I want to read novels so badly", "I wish I had taken things slower". Maybe that's what I will think because humans are never satisfied with what they have, eh?

I guess I will never have a solution to my worries and thoughts. I'm at a stage whereby I'm not sure what I really want. Not sure if my whole life was planned based on expectations of others or for my own goals.

I live a terribly ironic and confusing life.

Seriously, I will have to tattoo "I don't have to be like everyone else" in my brain to stop myself from succumbing into social comparison and destroying my self worth.

I hope and pray that I will come out of this phase stronger that I am today.

Dangerous (May Contain Spoilers)

I just finished yet another book that is going to into my favourite books of all time. Shannon Hale's new venture into sci-fi action adventure YA genre is definitely a success to me.

I am a fan of Hale's work (Goose Girl, Princess Academy, Book of a Thousand Days), so I was a bit skeptical about this book at first. This certainly did not seemed like a book she would write, but I gave it a shot anyway. And really, I didn't regret it. I absolutely adore this book.

At first, I was worried because of the fast pace that already started at the beginning of this book. It began with Maisie's normal life in which she is home-schooled, doesn't have much interaction with other people, handicapped, and suddenly, boom, she is in an astronaut boot camp, alone with a bunch of kids she didn't know.

But then, it was Maisie and Wilder that got me hook onto every page of this book. Even though Wilder is presented as the typical rich playboy, you can't deny how charming he is. His sweet mouth never fails to make me (and Maisie, of course) melt. It was evident that I'm going to fall in love with this kid - this fictional kid. And it was as if his sweet mouth isn't enough, Wilder's act of being evil just so he could let Maisie take everything despite knowing that he would die, literally breaks my heart. When Maisie finally realises everything that Wilder has done, when every piece came to her, when she realises that all this while Wilder did nothing to hurt her, my gosh, my heart was literally in pieces.

Shannon Hale, you got me. I've never felt this emotional over a fictional dude (except maybe, Hiccup from HTTYD 2). I've also never felt this emotional over a fictional couple. I will go down with this ship.

Alright, back to the pace of this book. Yes, it was rather fast at the beginning but everything was alright after. It was as if this book needed this pace to work. And it worked fine.

This book is really suspenseful, I must say. And I couldn't really predict what is to come. The characters are all at one point cannot be trusted and it just confuses you on who's right or wrong. I really did not expect Ruth's death to happen - or any of the fireteam members. I guess it really created a condition that tested Maisie's limit.

All in all, I really love this book. I've read up online reviews that gave negative points to this book, and I'm glad I didn't really listen to them.

4.5/5

Matched Trilogy (May contain spoilers)

Just today, I finished the last book to Ally Condie's Matched trilogy and immediately, I knew I had to talk about the books. I had to.

Basically, Matched is another story set in the dystopian setting, has a love triangle going on, and the main character driven to fight against the government. Yes, it may sound like any other trending dystopian trilogy right now, but for some reason, I think Matched has a world that I can easily absorb, and the plot have me turning pages after pages.

For a quick summary, Cassia Reyes lives under The Society (the ruling government) and The Society controls everything. They control where a person lives, what a person eats, what a person's job would be, and who they get marry to. The Society does all these are in hopes to keep everybody safe and aims for perfection in life. The story starts with Cassia attending her Match Banquet (where she will know who The Society matched her with) and found out that she is matched with her best friend Xander Carrow. Although she is matched with the best person she could ever ask for, Cassia finds herself falling for another boy, Ky. And due to love, she starts to wonder about the world she is living in.

All right, let's get started with my personal rants about the trilogy. If you have not read the book, don't go on. I do not want to spoil the book for you.
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[Warning: May be very Xander-biased rant]

Book 1: Matched

I absolutely adore the first book. It is the very reason why I am so keen on finding the rest of the trilogy after reading Matched. It is just a really good book! It's the kind of book you don't want to put down once you pick it up.

Seeing The Society is a world that is foreign to the readers, there are many things we are unclear about. Ally Condie introduces information with appropriate pace. She does not throw mountains of information at one go - which is really bad, for me. I can't take in so many new information at once.

Honestly, when I started reading the book, I really thought the Xander and Cassia will not be Matched together, and they spend rest of the trilogy trying to be together... because they are absolutely adorable together... So when I found out that Cassia does get Matched with Xander, I could clearly hear my heart shattering into pieces. She is not going to end up with Xander! How can this be?!

Which simply means, yes, I like Xander more than Ky. And I root for Xander.

Which can also explain one of the reasons why I keep flipping pages, because I want to read more of Cassia and Xander's interaction. I want to see more of Xander. Come on, he's smart, blue-eyed and handsome. How could you not like Xander?

So I spent most of the other half of the book feeling bad for Xander.


Book 2:  Crossed

Now, this book does not keep up with my expectation of it - perhaps it is because Matched is so good, Crossed simply does not meet the bar. Crossed did not make me want to flip pages after pages. It had me thinking "When will this book end?"

Most of the time, Cassia is out of the Cities. She is sent out to work camps and then, she sends herself to the Outer Provinces looking for Ky. Then, when Ky is nowhere to be found in Outer Provinces, she ran to the Carving. Basically, all through Crossed, she is out in the wild searching for Ky, discovering the Rising, making new friends, and seeing things she will never be able to see back in The Society.

I guess Crossed is where we really understand Ky's circumstances. Ally Condie tells the story by alternating between Cassia and Ky's point of view. We get to understand Ky a little more - and reinforces the fact that: Hey, Ky is really in love with Cassia. And so is the other way around. Besides, it also gives Cassia the more reasons to go against The Society.

Perhaps I am Xander-biased that I do not really enjoy the fact Xander only appear in the beginning chapters. But I do appreciate Cassia dreaming of Xander while she is in the Carving, and the fact she held onto the blue tablets Xander gave her. At least I know Cassia did not cast Xander away because she is in love with Ky. Xander needs some attention.


Book 3: Reached

This is where things start picking up. After joining the Rising, Cassia and Ky are once again separated. But knowing Ky is safe, Cassia does not worry as much as she did in Crossed.

Then, this is the book whereby I thank Ally Condie for writing in Xander's point of view. It does make up his lack of presence in the second book. In Reached, we get more Xander!

Xander is working as an Official/undercover Rising in the medical department. Through Xander, we understand more about the people who are immune to the red tablet, and the Plague. So many scientific terms! But it's all right because it helps to understand their frustration in curing them. And through this book, my love for Xander intensifies because he is a freaking medic whose priority is helping people. Can you imagine him wearing a white coat?

However, because first half of the book actually had all three main characters separated, Xander befriended his colleague, Lei. He mentioned that she is a few years older, Matched, and celebrated Contract (I guess married or engaged). Then, I was relieved because I had an odd feeling about Lei. Then, it starts feeling like Lei is hitting on Xander. She looks for him while helping with the patients, asking him countless questions about the Plague, and telling him he has blue eyes like her Matched. Maybe I was jealous, but I was questioning if Lei was to be trusted. She could be an undercover pro-Society in the Rising. If the Rising can have undercover people in the Society, why couldn't the Society do the same?

And the unfortunately, and fortunately, Lei isn't pro-Society nor is she pro-Rising. She is simply a wise girl who misses home and her Match. Then of course, Xander and Lei. Both who lost their first love, and Xander who learnt beyond the Society through Lei. It is quite painful to digest the fact about Xander and Lei. All these while I am rooting for Xander and Cassia...but who am I kidding, it is obvious it is Cassia and Ky. But still.

And yes, I still flip pages after pages anticipating for more Xander and Cassia's interaction.

It is nice though, to learn that Cassia, Ky and Xander are a team. They are basically dependent on each other. Although Ky and Xander are both in love with Cassia, they never really fight with each other. They understand each other's need for Cassia. Ky feels better knowing Cassia is with Xander, and Xander understands why Cassia doesn't leave Ky alone in the infirmary. Look at the friendship. It is incredible. As Xander-biased, I can't even feel a slightest hate towards Ky. Their friendship is so heartwarming that I can't even.

I really like it when Anna refer to the three of them as The Pilot, The Poet and The Physic. It has a nice ring to it.

Although at the end of the book, it does not really tell if Anna has won the election, but I am certain that The Society will not win this round. Cassia and Ky deserves a happy ending after all they have been through - and so does Xander.

The world in this Matched trilogy has certainly changed.

Also, tribute to Indie: the bold girl who flies the air ship like a boss - even though you like Ky in the end instead of Xander (why is Xander always neglected in the end?), you rock Indie. You rock.

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End of rant.

Conclusion: Matched trilogy is awesome.

Bride Of The Century

How can you ignore this face? T.T

When I found out Lee Hongki is starring in a new k-drama, assignments were forced to put on-hold, because I know I couldn't resist watching this drama. He is playing a chaebol (rich man/heir of a company), and that's a rare sight to see. Plus, Yang Jin Sung plays the female lead. After watching She Is Wow, I've taken a liking to her.

Na Doo Rim (Yang Jin Sung) and Choi Kang Ju (Lee Hong Ki)

This drama focuses on a rumour that the first bride of Taeyang Group's eldest son will be sacrificed to the ghost guarding the Choi's house. Jang Yi Kyung (Yang Jin Sung) is engaged to Choi Kang Ju (Lee Hong Ki), who is the eldest son of the Taeyang Group. Their engagement is purely arranged, and it is to benefit Jang Yi Kyung's family company who is going to hit rock bottom. However, the thing is, Jang Yi Kyung's mother found out about the rumour and how Choi Kang Ju's mother had planned all of this to happen. Of course, who would want their own daughter to be sacrificed? But what about the company? Therefore, they hire a knock-off Jang Yi Kyung, Na Doo Rim (also played by Yang Jin Sung) who looks exactly alike to stand in. So, what happens if Doo Rim fell in love with Kang Ju, but knowing she is only a knock-off? And what about the haunting rumour?

Bride Of The Century, I admit, is a drama with a predictable plot (but which drama isn't right?), but I am completely hooked onto this drama. Maybe because Hongki is there, but I must say the cast is amazing. Yang Jin Sung, who plays two roles, is amazing in this drama. Her perfect representation of two different characters were amazing to watch, and I would say she is an excellent actress.

I SHIP.

The entire drama was really pleasant to watch. There were plenty of hilarious scenes and heartbreaking scenes, that nearly make me cry. The chemistry between the leads are really great. But to me, the best thing of this drama is how Hongki had to tone down his appearance to fit the role.

As a fan of the FT Island's lead vocalist, I know very well Hongki has an eccentric fashion sense. His hairstyles are out of the norm, he paints his nails, and he wears the weirdest clothes existed. I have nothing against his desire to be different, but it's certainly nice to see Hongki in a more...normal appearance. As the heir of a company, Hongki would have to look like a decent businessman, so he dyed his hair black and remove his nail art. And of course, right after the end of filming, the eccentric Hongki is back.

I thank Bride Of The Century for this.

I believe this drama makes me realised that I prefer Choi Kang Ju more than Lee Hongki. Haha, but Hongki's voice is to die for...

Choi Kang Ju appreciation post lol

Now that the drama's over, I feel a little empty, and it makes me wonder "Okay, when's Hongki next drama?"

Inexperienced

When my younger brother came up to me to ask for love advice, I am not sure if I was the right person that could help him. I could give him a piece of female's perspective, but then really, I don't think I am capable of giving relationship's advice.

Because I have absolutely no experience in this field called romantic relationship.

Absolutely none.

My brother finds that weird. How could his 19 years old older sister has no experience? And when I told him I wasn't interested in involving in a romantic relationship, he wondered if I am normal.

Well, I am absolutely normal (I have crushes!). It's just that I am not prepared to be in a relationship, and not desperate to get a boyfriend currently. I mean, I have a wonderful family and my awesome best friends who love me and care for me. I just don't think I will need a boyfriend to do any of those loving right now. I just feel content with the people I have now.

Maybe when the time is right, I will consider to get a boyfie of my own.

But, after hearing my brother's story, I think love may be one the most painful feeling to have. Especially when you are waiting for that special person to return your feelings. Please, if you are going to answer, do it as soon as possible. Making someone to wait for months for it... sigh. If you are going to friendzone, just do it. Giving people a 50/50 answer ain't going to work.

I just hope the girl knows what she is missing out on, you know, to be able to make my brother wait like this. (I personally think she has no interest in my brother, but since she hasn't given an answer, my bro ain't buying it. And these kind of feelings isn't hard to erase.)

Good luck, bro.

Her man, his queen.

Queen In-Hyun's Man. Best drama ever.

Usually, I only watch k-dramas that have idols as their actors/actresses. And, as for the other dramas that do not have idols that I know in it, I will usually ignore it. K-dramas are famous for cliche plots. And I am not fond of cliche plots.

Then why in the world did I decided to watch Queen In-Hyun's Man? I was so into this drama for days, even though I have a pile of assignments and midterm to prepare for. I guess my reason would be that I was attracted by the little scenes I saw in tumblr.

To simply put things into place without giving out spoilers, Kim Boong-do is a nobleman in the Joseon era. He received a talisman and is able to time-slip 300 years into the future, where he meets Choi Hee-jin, a budding actress. Of course, they fell in love with each other but can Kim Boong-do really stay in the future?

This drama has an incredible amount of kiss scenes I have ever seen.

Of course, this drama has a plot that will make your heart stopped beating momentarily, makes you grinning like a mad person, laughed out loud, and of course, makes you incredibly sad. A lot of review I read said that Queen In-Hyun's Man is capable of making a person cry and cry. Since I am not easily moved, I did not cry (I wish I did) but I was near to breaking down in tears.

The chemistry between the two lead actor and actress is incredible. Yoo In Na (plays Choi Hee-jin) and Ji Hyun Woo (plays Kim Boong-do) kissed each other like they really want each other. And by the amount of kiss scenes they have, and how passionate they are, people started to wonder if they were actually dating. Turns out, Ji Hyun Woo did a public confession at their last fan meeting for the drama, and Yoo In Na confirmed their relationship status in her radio show. You have no idea how happy I was to know that.

Under the same sky, but different time. /cries

Besides the kiss scenes, the heartbreaking moments are incredibly heartbreaking. It is not for once, but several times. When they cry, I feel so sad that I want to cry along with them. The above scene is absolutely heartbreaking and get your eyes tearing like no tomorrow. No words can describe the feels I have for this drama.

Hee-jin and Boong-do being adorable together

Queen In-Hyun's Man is not your usual time travel drama. It messes with your emotion real hard. After that, you will still want to stay in their world. The soundtrack is amazing as well. Everything about this drama is just too beautiful.

Can you believe Yoo In Na is 30 when she filmed this? Omgosh.

Now that I have finished this drama, hopefully I can get back on track with my studies. This drama will always be my No.1. Queen In-Hyun's Man forever!

There. Chemistry. Right there.

On a side note, I really do hope the couple lasts forever. I think In Na is at the right age for marriage right? Hahahaha. I just don't want to see another celebrity couple that I like break up. Please don't. Ji Hyun Woo, quickly return from military service so Yoo In Na doesn't have to wait for you anymore. :)

Have a nice day. :)

Self-identity

What do I want to do? I have absolutely no idea. I thought I did, but after some recent events, I don't think so anymore. I don't know who I want to be, really.

I wanted to change a part of me, because I think it's essential for a person to change overtime and to grow to be a better person. Since I am such an introvert, I thought why not, I try to become more sociable and make as many friends as possible. And the only way to do that was joining club and societies and whatnot.

But here's the thing. I am all alone in this. I have not found a friend who, perhaps, share the same goal with me. So whenever I feel like doing something out of my comfort zone, I can't seemed to find a person I am comfortable with to go with me. Ironic isn't it, for me to have a goal to meet new people, but I am scared to do it alone. 

I guess I am not courageous. Maybe I am afraid of these changes as well. But I kept going back and forth about my decisions, it's getting me confused of who I want to be actually. Argh.

This question got be thinking. What do I want to be remembered for? That's right. After seeing this question, I think I may have some ideas in my head. Maybe I should put this in my phone lock screen so that I can see it everyday. 

I shouldn't let mind what other people think. If they are my true friends, they will support my goal. I shouldn't think I am a failure. If I missed an opportunity, I am sure there is another one coming soon. After all, we shouldn't stop chasing our dreams. 

And if it's fate, it will surely happen.

Sigh. Life.